I’m 4 years old standing just outside the sandbox, other children are playing. I’m watching there interactions but feel so much outside of it. I don’t relate, I’m already feeling an aloneness that will travel with me my entire existence. Where does this come from? Was I born into this world to feel the emptiness or to transform it? Am I chemically disabled, spiritually disabled, or am I perfectly broken? The little “I” consumes my thoughts and feelings, I become them. I am entrenched in my ego- my personal identity is a problem solver, controller and judgment setter. I am somehow unaware how to resolve my own issues despite the constant “help” I give others.
Fear is the neutral setting, my work is to manage a level of peace through out the day as to not completely loose my sense of being grounded. Left to my own devices I would be creating stories and dramas, most of which will never happen, some may and those are the ones I remember. It’s the what if’s that hold me hostage.
At 10 I write a suicide note because I had a double chin. My aunt, an aspiring model had a tri fold mirror that allowed me to observe the puffy fat from all angles; I wasn’t pretty and because of that I didn’t belong on this planet.
As an adult I understand my brain was effected by growing up in an alcoholic household, diagnosis C-PTSD.
After years of therapy, tons of self help books and a spiritual practice I’m learning how to accept the things I can’t not change and the wisdom to know the difference.
Today I use my sensitivity to help others. I feel so much compassion for the underdog that I will fight for what’s right. Helping write Goddard’s Law and giving testimony on behalf of Ohio’s companion animals was one way I could give back to an unjust world.
Although life is still a challenge for me I push forward knowing I’m here for a purpose.
Jen's thoughts: Tricia's pics are very distinct. The wedding dress that I found in a thrift shop. Judy's dress (see the post about Judy here) and her own leather jacket and hat. She was totally out of her comfort zone in the dresses, but she was open to wearing them. We spent maybe 3 hours taking pics, talking, laughing and crying. And chasing birds on the beach. It was a very good day.
Tricia wore my thrift store wedding dress because she could squeeze into it. Well, she could barely breathe in it. LOL! But finding someone who can wear a size 4 is tough. But this is a reminder that thin women deserve to be included in the body positivity conversation!!!